You Feel Nothing
by Whispi
Summary: "Spock looked up at I-Chaya's face. Large, rather droopy eyes, wet, snuffly nose, and the six-inch fangs. I-Chaya thrust his nose into Spock's hair, and a traitorous smile crept over Spock's face. Appalled, he covered his mouth with his fingers and turned his face away from the sehlat's." Baby Spock and emotional repression.


**Just when I thought I'd given up on myself and writing . . . but hey, I'm back! Short Star Trek piece about little Spock and Vulcan bullies. I imagine that Spock is about six at this point.**

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Spock buried his head in I-Chaya's fur. The animal sighed, and Spock's head rose and fell with the _sehlat's _flank. His little fists clutched loosely at its fur and he breathed in the warm, slightly musty animal scent. Spock stayed that way for a long time, his eyes and mouth shut tightly. He was a terrible touch-telepath compared to the other kids in his class, but he knew just enough to be able to feel the steady presence of I-Chaya's mind. Spock likened it to hearing music coming from a long way off and just being able to catch enough of the notes to make out the tune.

Presently, Spock sat up, now leaning against the _sehlat_. His lip was trembling. "Are tears a human weakness, I-Chaya?" he asked.

I-Chaya did not answer because I-Chaya did not possess the mental capabilities necessary to comprehend spoken language, nor was his oral anatomy suited to shaping Vulcan words.

"I don't understand the necessity of going to school," Spock continued, running a hand through his pet's fur. "There is all the knowledge I could ever need right here in my father's library." Spock looked around at the books and scrolls lining the walls of the high-ceilinged room. It was the grandest, largest one in the house, and Spock was secretly proud of the huge library and what it said about his family's position in society.

"You would sit and read with me, I-Chaya." Spock thought for a moment and amended his statement. "Well, you wouldn't read or understand. You don't understand anything that I am saying now. This is illogical." On the last word, Spock's voice cracked and he dove back into I-Chaya's soft, brown fur.

Spock felt the _sehlat's_ muscles ripple underneath his head and something cold and wet brushed his ear. He looked up at I-Chaya's face. Large, rather droopy eyes, positioned on the front of the face as all predators' eyes were, wet, snuffly nose, and the six-inch fangs. I-Chaya thrust his nose into Spock's hair, and a traitorous smile crept over Spock's face. Appalled, he covered his mouth with his fingers and turned his face away from the _sehlat's._

Undeterred, I-Chaya snuffled at the back of Spock's neck. Spock always marveled at the care his pet took never to let his fangs get in the way of a gentle sniff. A large, flat, and very wet tongue snaked around Spock's neck and up into his hair.

"I-Chaya!" Spock let out a little giggle, unable to stop himself. He traced a finger over a giant paw, thinking about all the muscles and bones working together to help the _sehlat _move.

I-Chaya butted Spock with his head, leaving Spock sprawled out on the floor staring up at the tongue and fangs. Now Spock laughed in earnest, the sound echoing in the huge library.

"Spock."

Spock froze and closed his eyes tight. He forced them open again and sat up. "Father," he said. "I thought you were at the Terran ambassador's residence today."

Sarek surveyed his son. "He was indisposed. I have been in my study."

Silence hung between father and son. Spock could feel disapproval radiating from his father's mind.

"Spock," Sarek repeated, "you must understand that if you are ever to gain acceptance on Vulcan, then you must control your emotions."

"I'm sorry, Father," Spock said, staring at the space above Sarek's left shoulder.

"Your actions will reveal your true thoughts. I expect better in future."

Spock nodded. "Yes, Father." Neither of them spoke.

"The children at school are very disagreeable, Father," Spock blurted out suddenly. "They say that I can never gain acceptance into the Vulcan Science Academy because I am not a true Vulcan."

"They are wrong," Sarek said flatly, taking a step toward Spock. "You are just as intelligent as they are."

"My teachers say I do not have a natural ability for touch-telepathy," Spock said. His throat felt very tight all of a sudden.

Sarek's voice took on a harsher tone. "Then you will work harder. Control your emotions. The other children are looking for an emotional reaction from you, Spock. They expect you to be weaker. You must prove yourself to them."

"I can't," Spock spoke in little more than a whisper, daring to meet his father's eyes. "Father, I feel"-

"You feel nothing," Sarek cut in, breaking eye contact and turning to walk out of the library. "You must tell yourself that. Over and over. Until it is true."

Spock watched his father exit the library, each step as even and deliberate as his Vulcan speech and thought.

I-Chaya yawned and placed his head on his paws, closing his eyes for a nap.

"I feel nothing," Spock said to himself, trying out the words. He concentrated on making his face as blank and expressionless as possible.

The knot in his stomach did not lessen. Spock pictured a physical barrier, a diamond wall ten feet thick, between it and him. The feeling was separate from him. Alien.

_I feel nothing._

I-Chaya snored and Spock stared up at the ceiling.

_I am a Vulcan._ Spock ran a finger over his pointed ears and slanted eyebrows, felt his heart beating on his right side. He'd show them, he thought to himself, his gaze steely and his mouth a tight line. He'd prove them all wrong.

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**I've always imagined that Sarek's influence played a big part in Spock's extreme emotional repression. I think the Vulcans acknowledge that they have emotions, but they direct them inwards and deal with them quietly. I think emotional control was always difficult for Spock because of his human genes. This, coupled with the taunts he received in school and pressure from Sarek, caused him to overcompensate and deny his feelings altogether. Only much later, observing his parents and other Vulcans from a more detached point of view, was he able to separate the concept of emotional control from emotional emptiness. Until then, though, he let his denial of his emotions eat him up inside, most clearly evidenced in The Naked Time. The virus that removed inhibitions and emotional barriers, had Spock bawling about his feelings in a conference room. I think Spock's childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood were very difficult emotionally, and only after spending time away from Vulcan was he able to reconcile his human half with his Vulcan one.**

**Okay that's all. I just really like Spock. Mostly I just wanted to write about baby Spock cuddling with I-Chaya.**

**Thanks for reading! Reviews would be grand.**


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